We are sensitive to how others perceive us. We want others to appreciate us, we try to earn respect. But we do not always think about how we treat ourselves. There are signs by which you can determine that you do not respect yourself.

Sign #1: You are constantly doing things you don't like.

You work at a job you don't like, you live in a city you don't like, you visit people you don't like. You do everything through “shoulds” and “shoulds”, as a result of which you are constantly in a bad mood. Someone else would have changed something a long time ago to make life sparkle with new colors, but if you don’t respect yourself, then you don’t care too much about your state of mind. Stability is more important.

Sign #2: You want to please everyone.

The desire to make everyone around feel good, the willingness to spend time and effort on this only says that you care about other people and do not care about yourself at all. You are waiting for praise from others, trying to earn their love, because you yourself do not really love yourself.

Sign #3: You let others interfere in your life.

All sorts of advisers and well-wishers are constantly hanging around you, who know exactly how you live and what to do. A self-respecting person will never allow strangers to climb to him with unsolicited advice.

Sign #4 You Keep Befriending Those Who Treat You Badly

If you spend time with people who are unpleasant to you, do not respect you, or treat you badly, this can also be a sign of self-disrespect. Liars, manipulators, boors, impudent people - people who must first of all be excluded from the social circle of any self-respecting person.

Sign #5: You give up your beliefs to avoid conflict.

Of course, asking for trouble for any reason is not the best tactic in communication, but if a person respects himself, he respects his beliefs, which means he will defend them.

Sign #6: You speak badly of yourself.

Talk negatively about your appearance, belittle your abilities and achievements, call yourself stupid, unhappy, pathetic, ugly. You scold yourself for any failures, but you don’t consider your successes to be something significant, you attribute everything to luck. This prevents you from achieving your goals and finishing what you started.

Sign #7 You Say Yes Even When You Feel Like Saying No

By agreeing to do something you don't really want to do, or by helping someone when you're doing your own thing, you're taking away resources that you yourself need. A self-respecting person does not scatter resources and does only what he really wants and can do, without fear of offending others. In addition, as practice shows, people who are offended by rejection are actually just looking for convenient and reliable ones. Respect yourself, don't be comfortable.

Sign No. 8. You are indifferent to your health

Ready to burn at work, depriving yourself of healthy sleep and proper rest, eat whatever and whenever you want, you have bad habits, you forget to visit the dentist on time, but you don’t even think about going through a medical examination “for yourself”. A person who respects himself will do for his health at least what he can and means.

Sign #9 You Gossip Too Much

You like scandals, intrigues, investigations. You won't miss anything happening with friends, colleagues and neighbors. Who meets with whom, who broke up with whom, who has what salary - you are aware of everything. You live someone else's life, but forget about your own.

Sign #10: You let others disrespect you.

And you don’t do anything about it, because you either think that you deserve it, or you can’t resist aggression because of self-doubt. You are easily manipulated, they can even humiliate and insult you. A person who respects himself and expects the same from others, therefore, will try to stop any manifestations of disrespectful attitude towards himself.

I listen to my feelings, sort out the words and phrases that come to mind. The phrase "Be above it, behave with dignity, don't sink to his/her level!" pops up! Moreover, it emerges in the context of an insult to me by another person. I think that the idea of ​​"be above it!" - a great help just for those who like to humiliate other people. "I humiliated you, but don't you dare defend yourself!" Or is it, from childhood and teenage experience: "Well, what are you, offended, or what?"

The experiences of one woman, once heard, are built into the chain of associations because she became like a "market boor" in some dispute, and because of this she is terribly ashamed. The notorious “insulting the feelings of believers” and “insulting honor and dignity” also arise in my mind… Humiliation is a word and the experience behind it resonate with me as being closely related to the concept of dignity. And another feeling is respect. It looks like the puzzle is starting to take shape.

I'm sure the heart of the feeling dignity as a complex experience is self-respect. What is respect as such? This is a feeling that arises when we notice in another person what we ourselves consider important and significant, what we ourselves strive for. This means that self-respect is all the same, only directed at one's "I". I respect myself for the fact that some of my actions and deeds correspond to my ideas about what is valuable.

I single out for myself two types of respect: basic, "advanced", and acquired, "deserved". Basic respect is the value of a person as such, confidence in his right to be, no matter what. A kind of "advance": I recognize you as valuable and equal to myself, even before I met you.

Respecting another person, I do not offend him, I treat him as a value. This also applies to yourself. Self-esteem is based on this basic self-respect. Despite everything, I have the right to be, I have my place in this world, and no one has the right to deprive him of it. Trying to humiliate means trying to throw a person from this place into the dirt. Make him doubt that he is even entitled to anything. "Your place at..."

To respect yourself means to notice in yourself what you realize as valuable and important. First of all - your needs, emotions and life values. And for this it is necessary to feel them and imagine your own system of values, that is, to have personal ethics experienced in real experience. And it is woven from hopes and disappointments, shame and disgrace from failures, triumph from triumph; struggle for recognition and much more.

That is, this ethics inevitably changes over time, enriched by new experience. What seemed gold at one age turns to brass at another. Also good, but not gold.

Personal ethics is not invented - it is found in what we do and, sometimes, we say. Again I remember a woman who was worried that, protecting her little son from the aggression of some strange dad, she behaved "like a boorish market". If, in the ethical hierarchy, “being liked by others” is higher than “protecting your children,” yes, then shame and loss of self-respect can arise. If your son is more significant, self-respect will only strengthen.

I think that in the awareness of this hierarchy lies the opportunity to resist manipulators who are trying to offend or humiliate us, and then, in order to protect themselves, devalue our indignation with such attempts: “They carry water on the offended”, “Be higher than this, forget it”, “You a reasonable person", "I was just joking, don't you understand jokes?"

I want to answer: “You see, I don’t like it when they treat me like that. And it doesn’t matter to me that you think that you need to be above this. You are trying to humiliate me - either stop it, or that’s it. once". "Be above it!" - good manipulation for those who like to insult themselves, but are afraid to face the consequences.

You can, of course, confuse self-respect and pride - so many do. But pride is defined in the body as a feeling that straightens and bursts from the inside, and self-respect is defined as a feeling of stability, core, firmness. I also think that self-respect is not only a consequence of certain actions, but also a reason, a guideline that forms an upward spiral: I do this because I will respect myself for it, and I respect myself for having acted this way.

There is such a fear inherent in people with a well-formed worldview and personal ethics: to betray oneself, that is, to do something that will make you stop respecting yourself. And this is a very powerful guideline that allows you to put a lot in its place in life. Ultimately, betrayal of oneself does not pay off with anything from the outside, deals with one's own conscience, as a rule, are unprofitable for conscience.

However, I do not know people who would never step on the throat of their own song and not pretend to be. It is convenient to be with principles, but sometimes life throws up tasks in which there are no good solutions, and in any case, you will betray something in yourself. It happens.

And sometimes, even without such alternatives, we make a choice, for which our conscience then pays. He renounced a friend, because others condemn him, could not defend himself in some kind of conflict. We can recall many examples when we fail, in which it is self-respect that suffers. How then to restore it? The answer is simple: do what you respect. That's all.

No need to try to fix the past. Moreover, one of the traits I most respect is the ability to admit one’s imperfection and, at the moment of failure or shame, to stand up and, experiencing shame or fear, still go in the direction that is important to you. That is why someone else's failure or failure is not a reason for me to lose respect for a person. And if I do not deny respect to another person in such a situation, why should I deny myself this?

What matters is not what you have, but what you have done. And if we continue further, it is important not so much what you did, but what qualities you showed to do it. Accordingly, success or failure become relative categories. More significant is how I went to success or failure, and how I perceived them: bloated with importance, fell into self-deprecation, simply rejoiced in victory, mourned, clenched my teeth and stood up after defeat.

Children, by the way, feel this difference well. If you want to praise - pay attention to the qualities that the child showed in order to achieve something, and not for achievements as such. Then he will learn to respect his effort, whether he succeeds or fails.

Self-respect makes it possible to accept criticism, because it ceases to be a humiliation, since failure is no longer a sentence, but simply an eventual fact. A kind of hierarchy of what deserves respect is built up, from insignificant to important: possession of something - achievement of something - the qualities that a person shows in his activity.

So, self-esteem is the ability to appreciate one's own existence as such, to see in oneself what one considers significant and the ability to focus on these values. However, it is not necessary to see something valuable in yourself. You can create it - just by doing what you consider worthy of respect. I don't know of any other way to gain self-respect.

Self-esteem and self-love determine our spiritual comfort. Denying own personality, a person cannot believe in himself and underestimates the level of claims. Analyze how well you feel about yourself.

Self-respect, commonly called self-esteem, and self-esteem are the core of personality. Our motivations depend on the level of self-esteem, life goals and claims.

To understand how well you feel about yourself, answer the question: "Do you accept yourself as you are?". Or have you created an unattainable image, you understand that you are far from it, but you don’t even try to get closer to your ideal one?

While the superego energetically makes morning runs, eats a balanced diet, reads smart books, never goes out of peace of mind and does not know defeat in disputes, the ego mostly reclines on the couch and watches TV after returning from a hateful job. There is no need to talk about self-respect in this situation. Another thing is if a person behaves as his ideal image could act, or at least takes real steps in the right direction.

The conflict between ideal image and reality will interfere with self-respect until you begin to overcome natural laziness and engage in self-improvement. True, there is an easier way - give up the ideal image, lower the bar. The place of your ideal image will be taken by a lazy person and a weakling, and you will merge in a harmonious union. It is unlikely that you will be proud of yourself, but perhaps this will stop bothering you. I hope no one has the desire to relax and grunt?

How to cultivate self-esteem

So, self-esteem grows as we gradually move closer to our self-created ideal, and decreases as we move away from it. Let's take a look at the ideal look. Do you know him well? How do you match it? I propose to create your ideal portrait: what would we like to be if the circumstances were favorable?

We take a blank sheet and write down in a column the qualities that our ideal ego should have. We look through the list and note the qualities that we already possess. Lots of matches? The more of them, the higher the level of self-esteem should be. In other words, the closer the ideal, the more reason to respect yourself. By the way, the absolute coincidence of the ideal and the real testifies to excessive self-confidence or low self-esteem.

The real and the ideal Self cannot coincide with an adequate assessment of oneself, because then the conflict will disappear - driving force that makes us move forward and improve. And without development, degradation begins - this is inevitable. The surmountable discrepancy between the ideal and the real I makes you grow and respect yourself. But what to do if the discrepancies are huge, and there is no strength to change anything?

Deal with self-esteem

Psychologists say that you first need to understand how a false image has developed, since self-esteem with such an imbalance is clearly inadequate.

For example, Peter dreams of earning 20,000 rubles a month without control from his boss. Fedor makes plans for an oceanfront bungalow and spiritual practices in Tibet. If in the first case there is low self-esteem, then in the second - ambitious goals and needs of a completely different plan. Of course, these people have very different ideas about themselves, apparently, the ways to achieve the goal will also be different.

The plans of a self-respecting person are quite feasible, although their implementation requires effort. But with distorted self-esteem, low or high, self-esteem, for the most part, is a farce. Equally far from true self-esteem is a person with an incomplete secondary education who imagines himself a president, and a certified philologist working as a loader.

We recognize a person with a sense of dignity by their unchanging poise, goodwill and openness. A truly self-respecting person does not need to constantly put up cordons around his person, such a person is always ready for dialogue, easy to communicate with. Another one feature- Respectful attitude towards people, regardless of their age and status.

Unconditional self respect

The second component of self-esteem is the basic attitude "I feel good (bad) about myself." This belief does not depend on the opinions of others or on our real merits, it originates in the earliest childhood, when only the assessment of parents matters. If this component prevails, the person treats himself with respect.

When you combine basic self-love with the feeling that you are getting closer to your ideal image, self-esteem is confirmed by self-esteem. This is the happy occasion when a person becomes balanced, effective and quite satisfied with the overall assessment of his life.

Distortions occur if, with real achievements, there is no emotional approval of oneself or, conversely, self-love is not supported by grounds for self-esteem. There are feelings of underestimation and resentment for life.

The embodiment of self-esteem is a lion in its natural habitat. Are there many who want to check how strong he is? So people feel how much self-respect is developed in us. Few people think of an unsuccessful or vulgar joke with a person with developed self-esteem, or to manipulate him. Attempts, of course, are possible, but they are suppressed clearly and unambiguously. Individuals suffering from low self-esteem periodically find themselves in situations where others abuse their kindness, humiliate and interfere in personal areas. Lack of self-respect becomes a provocation for individuals prone to rudeness, which leads to a deepening of the belief: "I am unworthy."

How to learn to respect yourself

We cannot change others, so we have to change ourselves. Learn to be proud of yourself and give yourself reasons to do so. One day you will notice how the inner position will manifest itself in posture, gaze and facial expression. Rest assured, those around you will appreciate the change, and you will love the change.

Only you can assess the state of your self-esteem and understand how much work lies ahead. We can give some general advice to get you started.

Don't deny yourself

Accept yourself as you are. This is how parents love their children - of course, regardless of their appearance and character flaws. There are no perfect people, but there are people who are self-confident.

Develop

If you love yourself, try to improve yourself: read a lot, broaden your horizons, work on yourself.

Learn to love yourself

We are not talking about selfishness, which is based solely on satisfying one's own needs. But do not treat yourself as an enemy, allow yourself some liberties at least sometimes. Make a list of the pleasures you would like to indulge in. Perhaps you will be pleased with shopping or a bath with fragrant foam, or maybe you have long dreamed of just spending the whole weekend at home reading a book. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Be loyal to yourself

Be tolerant of yourself, do not be angry with yourself if something did not work out right away, do not reproach mercilessly for failures. Try again or more than once - and everything will definitely work out.

Find a job you love

It's hard to respect yourself if every morning you have to curse the alarm clock, drag yourself to a hated job and consider yourself a slave in the galleys. Change professions if you need to, but do what you love. When you stop making the daily sacrifice, you will feel like a creator, and you will no longer have to think about self-respect.

"Census" of the environment

Analyze how pleasant you are the people with whom you communicate. If you know that there is a person with whom you are unpleasant to meet, do everything possible to reduce contact to a minimum. You will get rid of negative emotions, and stop feeling remorse from the fact that you are constantly annoyed.

Don't be fooled by empty promises

Learn to keep your promises. Promising yourself something, try to fulfill it - you will enjoy it, and at the same time increase your self-esteem.

Don't compare yourself to others

You do not need to compare yourself with anyone else - you are a separate person, worthy of respect and not in need of role models. If someone, in your opinion, is worthy of imitation, evaluate his experience, analyze his actions, life principles. You can learn a lot from more successful people, but you don't have to compare yourself to them.

Let go of the past

Forget about your old grievances, forgive the offenders and wish them all the best. While you are constantly returning to past events, the present passes by. You are missing opportunities by continuing disputes that have already been completed. This is a pointless waste of time and effort.

Appreciate yourself, and if it seems to you that the reasons for this are not enough, engage in self-improvement. We cannot always change circumstances, but everyone can learn to live with dignity. Do not do things that you will be ashamed of, do not betray yourself and be honest with yourself - then you will be able to respect yourself with every right.

Conflicts can arise everywhere, regardless of the people around you and the circumstances. An evil boss or unscrupulous subordinates, demanding parents or dishonest teachers, grandmothers at bus stops or angry people in public places. Even a conscientious neighbor and a dandelion grandmother can cause a big conflict. About how to get out of the conflict without suffering damage - moral and physical - and will be discussed in this article.

Can not imagine modern man that is not subject to stress. Accordingly, each of us is in such situations every day at work, at home, on the road, some sufferers even experience stress several times a day. And there are people who constantly live in a stressful state and do not even suspect it.

Life is a strange and complicated thing that can throw up dozens of troubles in one day. However, it is worth remembering: any trouble is a lesson that will definitely come in handy sometime in the future. If a person is an honest student, then he will remember the lecture the first time. In the event that the lesson was incomprehensible, life will confront him again and again. And many people take this literally, complicating their lives! But sometimes you should not endure some things, looking for life lessons in them! What specific situations should be stopped?

Everything seems dull and gray, close people annoy, work infuriates and there are thoughts that all life is heading downhill somewhere. To change own life, it is not necessary to do something supernatural and complex. Sometimes the simplest and most accessible actions for everyone can significantly increase the level of energy and make you feel much better. Try to introduce 7 effective practices into your life that will dramatically change your life for the better.

Everyone who is engaged in self-development knows that he cannot do without a feeling of discomfort. Quite often, people confuse discomfort with a black streak in life and begin to complain, or even worse, try to avoid change. But as experience shows, only by going beyond the comfort, you can find and acquire all the benefits that we need.

Many people cannot imagine their day without one or more cups. And it turns out that drinking coffee is not only tasty, but also healthy! If you do not complain about serious health problems, then you can drink a few cups of this delicious drink without remorse and enjoy its benefits.

Self-respect is by chance not a manifestation of pride? Is it necessary to educate him in oneself - or is it better to learn to respect others? How to distinguish right attitude away from the traps of the modern world? Our questions were answered by Archpriest Nikolai Markovsky, rector of the Church of the Intercession of the village. Zaitsevo.

First, let's deal with the terminology. What is respect? Dictionary explains this word as “a sense of reverence; attitude based on the recognition of someone's merits, merits, high qualities. In our life we ​​respect many people: parents who gave us life, friends who give us their friendship, worthy people, bosses, and so on, but problems arise with ourselves.

For those who are puzzled by the question "how to learn to respect yourself", I would like to give an example from my life. When military events began in Gorlovka, our ruling bishop remained in the city, served here and thus set an example for every priest. Does this act command respect? - it certainly does. Then the clergy of Gorlovka remained in their parishes and continued to carry their cross, their ministry. Does their decision command my respect? - of course yes. Seeing such actions, it is easy to answer yourself how to learn to respect yourself: do the same.

I'm talking about what's close to me. My recipe is simple: do what you deserve. If you respect a doctor who treats you professionally, do as he does: do your job with dignity. You respect the teacher who teaches your child, gives him knowledge - do the same: give yourself to people. Christ also teaches this when, at the end of the parable of the good Samaritan, he says: “... go and do the same” (Luke 10:37).

In terms of attitudes towards themselves, people most often meet two extremes. Some say: "I didn't deserve anything good, I can't do anything, I'm not worthy in the eyes of God and the eyes of people." It is evident that such a person humiliates himself. However, we know that the Lord gives everyone some kind of gift, a talent: one speaks well, another interviews well, the third works great with his hands, the fourth is a wonderful artist, the fifth sings beautifully, and so on. Find your talent, which the Lord has given you, develop it, and then you will not say that you are good for nothing — otherwise you will belittle the dignity of God. The Lord did not deprive anyone.

The second type of people are those who do nothing that commands respect, but are exalted, they have a lot of conceit and pride. Can such a person be respected? - I think no. Humiliation and exaltation are extremes that should not be. Each person should be critical of himself, his actions, way of thinking, words. If you do this, while constantly developing, progressing, working on yourself, then you will have a reason to respect yourself.

Each person is created in the image and likeness of God, carries His spark within himself. That is why each of us is valuable and deserves respect. Some people contrast humility and self-respect, considering the latter a manifestation of pride. Humility does not mean that a person should walk with his head down, now and then exposing his left, then his right cheek for beating. For a Christian, humility is first and foremost acceptance of the will of God. Every person has difficulties in life. They are not accidental, the Lord sends them for our strengthening, moral growth. If we accept them without grumbling and overcome them, then we show humility. The one who engages in self-abasement does not respect himself, does not accept the will of God for himself. He accuses himself and others of all kinds of sins, believes that God does not love him, that he is unworthy of God's love. There is no humility in such behavior, because humility is impossible without love for God and people.

AT modern world the concept of respect is very different from the Christian one. Christianity calls to love God and people, to be moral, to serve others. We see strange situations when a person begins to respect himself for the likes gained in social networks, for example. Of course, this is not true respect. Respect cannot be calculated by the number of likes, someone's subjective approval. In fact, such a person has a substitution of concepts and values. He does not need God and people, he needs an illusion - likes, lies, which are dictated by modern society. True values ​​fade into the background, window dressing and falsehood come to the fore. You can respect people who have achieved something with their work, talent, intelligence - scientists, writers, astronauts. Today, people who gained fame thanks to some scandals are gaining popularity. They are respected, their opinion is listened to. However, this is false respect. Respect is caused by restraint, deed, deed. Fake - no. True respect is built on love. Love is respect.

If you want to learn to respect yourself, respect others. Do not allow yourself rudeness, anger, aggression. Each person must determine for himself the line beyond which he will not cross. In modern society, many facets are blurred, and this is done on purpose. When you communicate with people, it is very noticeable: a person who does not respect himself does not respect those around him either. These things are interconnected. He does not know what dignity and respect are, and cannot give it to others.

Don't let bad feelings take over. A humble person is always respected. Anything can happen in life, we are all living people, we can break loose, but if you want to respect yourself, learn to control yourself.

Christian commandments are the foundation of respect for oneself and for society. Without their observance it is impossible to learn to respect yourself. Do not kill, do not steal, do not lie, do not commit adultery, do not covet your neighbor's property - without these moral values, which are important for every person, there is no way. It's like a chain where one thing is connected to another. If a person does not love his neighbor, he cannot have love for God. Each of us must see in ourselves and others the image of Christ. If we learn this, we will learn to respect ourselves.

We often hear the phrase: "I have the right." Those who pronounce it often forget that, having rights, we also have responsibilities. It is not customary to remember this, since duties imply responsibility. If we say "I have the right to ...", then we mean "I am obliged to ..." It seems to me that a self-respecting person will understand all this. It turns out that one who wants to learn to respect himself should try to become worthy person and a Christian.

Recorded by Ekaterina Shcherba