November 14, 2013

Even the most understanding interlocutor in the midst of a pleasant conversation can throw out something like “Why aren’t you dating anyone?”, “What is your salary?” or “When are you planning to have children?”.

It seems that these eternal questions will never cease to interest others and confuse us.

After another attempt to evade the answer, Gulnara Garafieva I decided to figure out what uncomfortable questions we are most often asked by friends, relatives and colleagues, and how to answer them correctly.

Money matters

“What is your salary?”, “How much did you buy a car for?”, “How much do you pay for an apartment?”, “How much did you take?”. Many people often add to such questions: “You don’t have to answer!” or - “Can I ask an indiscreet question?”, But this does not save from awkwardness. Frankly, I myself liked to be interested in the money affairs of friends. But suddenly I realized that I have not been happy with their acquisitions for a long time, and I replace any compliments and questions with a mercantile “How much?”. Now I am diligently trying to replace all the “how much?” that arises in my head. to "what? where? when? that's lovely!". The effect is very pleasant. Friends are happy to talk about the purchase, new job, and sometimes, without further inquiries, they are frank about the money side. The only thing that so far has not been possible at all is congratulating your husband on a bonus or salary increase without the question “A lot?”

For those who do not want to answer questions about money even to close people, psychologists advise to “mirror”, i.e. answer a question with a question. For example, ask again why your interlocutor is so interested; first find out how much his car costs; or it’s completely childish to say “Tell me first!”. Another method suggested by my acquaintances is to name a suspiciously large or small amount, turning the conversation into a joke.

Interview questions

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”, “What is your biggest flaw?”, “How much did you get at your previous job?” After going through a dozen interviews, I still don't know how to answer these strange HR questions. It seems to me that they themselves do not remember why it is customary to ask about it, but stubbornly follow the traditions. They say that at interviews in large European companies you need to be prepared for anything - even the fact that you will be asked to show the contents of the bag here and now. I don't know of a single good person who has been turned down for a job because they didn't show what's in their bag or because they didn't plan ahead 5 years. But I know a company that selects new employees on the basis of the question: “There was an elephant weighing 1 ton and 100m high. A year later it rose to 200m. What was its mass? ( By the way, how would you answer?). No matter how much you puzzle over the correct answer, it simply does not exist. Here, the only thing that matters to the employer is how a person will react to the question and how he will reason when answering.

The advice most employers give is to be prepared for any questions or requests, but don't be afraid to decline them if they have nothing to do with your professional skills.

Questions about work and professional competence

« What do you do?”, “What do you do at work?”. With the increase in the density of office workers per square meter and the emergence of such not always unambiguous professions as “curator”, “manager”, “administrator”, “supervisor”, “merchandiser”, it becomes more and more difficult to talk about your work. The same specialties are used to refer to different, and sometimes almost opposite, occupations. Thus, the sales specialist, the project manager, and the director of the company all turn out to be “managers”. Having been in various office positions, I sincerely envy doctors, teachers, salesmen, cashiers, locksmiths, builders, plumbers and even calculators (a type of accounting specialization), who can answer the question about the profession in one clear and understandable word, and briefly describe their work a couple of suggestions.

When answering questions about the profession, psychologists advise you to name the specialty that gives you more confidence and pride in your work. If you find it difficult to talk about what you do at work, and the scope of your duties changes every day and is completely unpredictable, try breaking down all your activities for the month into categories. At the same time, you will see for yourself what the most working time is spent on. Another good exercise from psychologists: “Within 12 minutes, give as many answers as possible to the question “Who am I?” The answers written down almost unconsciously in this short space of time will tell you a lot about yourself.

Questions about personal life

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend / boyfriend?”, “When is the wedding?”, “Why don’t you get married?”. As it turned out, these questions are equally uncomfortable to answer for both men and women. Moreover, the interlocutors themselves often do not even know why they are asking about it. And, if parents really want to get an answer with the exact date to questions about the wedding, then the rest most often ask them just like small talk or talk about the weather. In such situations, I recall an excerpt from the film "Bridget Jones's Diary", when married couples, surrounding the heroine Renee Zellweger at the table, suddenly ask: "Why are there so many single girls in London?" It is because of the frank inattention of the interlocutor to your feelings that you want to answer these questions with something caustic, like "Take your time looking at you." But my friend, on the contrary, manages not to get angry at numerous questions about her personal life and even jokes: “You should have seen the mournful faces they have when they ask about the guy! Apparently it seems to everyone that if I have been alone for several years, then I am an alien with cockroaches in my head and a harmful character. Looking at them, I immediately imagine that I am green, huge, with tentacles, so no one loves me.

Psychologists also advise not to take such questions seriously, but to ask again why such a strange question occurred to your interlocutor. You will see - a person will immediately hesitate and find himself in an awkward situation. Another way, which for some reason often disarms questioners, is to tell everything as it is. In the end, proudly admit that you are patiently looking for your man and do not want to get married for fear of being alone, even pleasantly. Oddly enough, such reasonable answers surprise many and discourage the desire to discuss your personal life.

Questions about children

“Why don’t you have children?”, “Are you planning a child?”, “When for the second.” For me, these questions are akin to asking “How often do you make love?” or “What positions do you prefer?”. You can start this list from childhood, when the girls in the yard asked something about the first kisses, menstruation and something else, from which the ears immediately turned red. But if in children everything can be attributed to their spontaneity and naivety, then what to do with smart, educated, intelligent, but suddenly completely tactless adults? Ignore or avoid answering - the only way to fight that I found after several years of training. A silent shrug, an incomprehensible smile, an indistinct “it’s not clear yet / wait and see”, sudden admiration for the interlocutor’s new hairstyle or runaway milk - all this works great to bring the conversation to “no”.

After such a half-answer, relatives usually begin to sympathetically pat me on the shoulder, unfamiliar people understand that they asked something personal, and friends suddenly remember that I am an introvert, and not the heroine of Sex and the City. Men say that it is even easier for them to deal with such questions. A dry "yes" or "no" is usually a perfectly satisfactory answer for a stern male conversation. Girls, on the contrary, compose witty remarks that they proudly give out at every opportunity (seen on a popular women's forum):

• “Do you think it’s time for me already?”, - rounding his eyes in surprise and offended.
• “No matter what we tried, it just doesn’t work!” - dramatically throwing up his hands to heaven and burst into tears on the shoulder of the interlocutor
• "With your prayers, very soon!"
• "In a couple of hours!" - looking impatiently at the clock
• “As soon as I will let you know first. Even before her husband.

Psychologists once again advise not to be annoyed by the tactlessness of the interlocutor. The main thing is to be able to clearly answer these questions for yourself. By the way, this advice is great for answering the rest of the points.

Gulnara Garafieva

Difficult questions - how to be? Our life is bright and many-sided. Day after day we meet dozens of people, we communicate on the street, at work, at home. Passers-by, friends, colleagues, relatives - we are connected with each other by thin threads of communication. But communication does not always bring us joy. How often unexpected question compromises, unsettles, and simply baffles. I really want to get out of this situation beautifully, without losing face. But how? How to get away from answering a question that you want to answer or you just don't know how to answer it?

• The simplest thing is to change the subject. For example, to the question: “Were you not in this terrible club?”, - answer: “There are so many entertainment centers in our city! And next week, an exhibition of Chagall himself is coming to us!”

• When there is no answer to a direct question at the right moment, you can skillfully replace it with a generalizing answer: “And you know absolutely nothing about the Battle of Borodino?” - “Oh, it was a great battle, but our history knows so many grandiose battles!” ... And develop the story in this direction.

• You can try to get the person to look at you from the other side: “Do you always do this kind of work so slowly?” “Perhaps, but my work is dominated by quality and meaningfulness!”

How to answer a nasty question

• And if the opponent is trying to humiliate us, you can crush him with intellect: “Where did you learn to write so clumsily?” “Oh my friend, what do you know about calligraphy? About its development, about the Western European, Indian directions? Are you the judge of this?"

• Often we are offended by the closest people. You can get out of this situation by clicking on the moral side of the relationship: “When did you last time did you look at yourself in the mirror? - "You are the best for me. close person! And you understand that time has no power over us! How does your conscience allow you to say that?”

• You can confuse the questioner with a question to the question: “Are you tired of reading during working hours?” “And who among us does not part with a cup of coffee all day?”

• And we have the right not to answer some questions at all. Have we been unfairly offended by a question? Let's measure the offender contemptuously - with a condescending look, proudly arch an eyebrow, and simply leave, leaving him alone to bathe in his negativity!

Interpersonal relationships are a very delicate thing. One awkward question can destroy confidence in yourself and destroy close, trusting relationships. And life itself constantly asks us difficult questions. It is important to carry light, positive, faith in yourself, to do good. And then you will find the answers you need! And nothing can stop us from walking through life with a light perky gait! And you will not let anyone put yourself in an uncomfortable position, you know now how to avoid answering in any situation.

It showed the widest range of tricks that people resort to if they do not want to directly answer a certain "uncomfortable" question, as it seems to them. In this sense, all these more than 300 comments can be studied as a kind of textbook.

In principle, the tricks are standard; I will try to classify them, but for simplicity I will replace the question of trusting the Bible with something more innocent. For example, the question "Do you do exercises in the morning?" Here, too, difficulties may arise for a simple learner: to say "yes" - so it seems to be somehow reluctant to lie; to say "no" is like publicly admitting the weakness of your will, which is also not good. And then the man begins to wag:

1) An attempt to question the very right of the questioner to ask any questions. "And who are you anyway? Why, in fact, should I answer you? What right do you have to invade my personal life?"

2) An attempt, in the words of E. Berne, to "settle down from above", that is, to take a patronizing parental position. “You don’t know a lot, young man, and I’m an old athlete. I was doing exercises even when you walked under the table! A deep study of the basics of charging, physical education is my old passion. - you ask - our knowledge about the subject is so incomparable "

3) An attempt to get into the wilds of terminological disputes. "In general, what is" exercise "? Don't you know how ambiguous the concept is? You understand, maybe it's "charging", or maybe it's "physical exercise." What are you asking about? If it's about physical exercise, then you need to also keep in mind that, in addition to the physical, everyone has a certain mental component, an immanent spiritual effort. Are you asking about the mental component of my being? Well, this is an extremely difficult question ... "

4) Leaving through the separation of "us" and "them". "My dear, people who exercise, at least THINKING about their physical perfection, are a separate community. Charging is not just like that; it is IMMERSION, immersion in a new reality, spiritual, above all, practice. People who comprehend physical perfection "They are DIFFERENT after all; they understand the words familiar to you, neophytes, quite differently. Therefore, how can I answer you like this, simply - do I do exercises? WILL YOU UNDERSTAND my answer?"

5) An attempt to crush with erudition. "Uh, brother! Here you say -" exercise ". Do you know that this, generally speaking, is practically a science? That people specially LEARN in order to teach physical culture?! Yes, yes, there is such an Institute of Physical Education. And did you finish it? Do you have a diploma? Did you study human anatomy, physiology, young man? Here go, learn - in 5 years come with a diploma. Then I will gladly answer you whether I do exercises in the morning.

6) Leaving through a moral impact. “But how can you ask a person straight on whether he does exercises or not? You seem to be a psychologist. How is that possible?! You cause stress in a person! Is this professional? You turn people against yourself with such questions Yes, it’s clear what kind of psychologist you are ... Sorry, there was (a) about you better opinion... Sorry, I won’t answer - it somehow became disgusting"

7) Of course - an attempt "on the go" to change the subject. "Exercising? Yes, what kind of exercise ... There is a more interesting question: do you eat tomatoes at night? Answer, this is very important! Don't you know about the dangers of tomatoes?! And here's the link! And here's the picture! And here's the diagram! What , You don’t understand this either?! Excuse me, but if you can’t even really tell me anything about tomatoes - why should I talk to you about exercises ?!"

8) Substitution of the question - from personal to "general". "Exercising? Are you asking about exercising? But excuse me - but what, is everyone OBLIGED to do exercises? Is this what we have - such a law, or what? I have not heard of such a law. In my opinion, in our country this is a voluntary matter - if you want , do exercises, if you want, don't do it ... What? Does this mean that I don’t do it? Well, why - I didn’t say that. Why do you attribute to me what I didn’t say? Why is this a petty scam?!"

9) Assurance that the question in principle (sic!) cannot be answered unambiguously. "Well, how can I say - do I do it or not? What, ALWAYS, or something, do I do it? Under any circumstances? Well, this is ridiculous. Do you want to say that even with a temperature of 40 I will do exercises ?! I think , the wife dies, the son hangs himself - and I, then, will go to do exercises ?! Right above the coffin ?? Or, for example, I will find myself in the New York-Moscow plane in the morning. Am I going to stand in the aisle and do squats and push-ups Well, he seems like an intelligent person... He looks... But you ask such stupid questions... I didn't expect you..."

10. Replacing the question of action with the question of evaluation. “And why do you think that doing exercises in the morning is bad? Why such hatred for people who care about their health? What, everyone should read books from morning to evening, right? If someone feels good from exercise, let him do it! Why do you get attached to such people, WHY? Eh, I had (a) a better opinion of you ... "

Use the weapon of the interlocutor and interrogate him with passion. For example, ask why he is asking and what will change your answer.

If you keep friendly intonations, the degree of rudeness in this method is almost zero. At the same time, you squeeze the questioner from your territory back to neutral. With luck, the person will realize that the question is tactless.

Are you going to buy an apartment at all, or will you live in a rented apartment until old age?

Will my answer make a difference? Or why are you interested?

2. Transform the question

An uncomfortable topic can be directed in the right direction if you clarify the subject of the conversation before starting to answer. It is important to navigate quickly so that the interlocutor does not have time to bring you back.

Is there a groom, or will you die surrounded by cats?

You mean cats scare away suitors? What are you, my cats are very friendly, because I took them from a shelter. By the way, and I advise you, a cat on the farm is always useful. Especially since the cats from the shelter are so grateful.

3. Pour water

Long-windedly answer not the question asked, but one very close to it, keeping the main subject of the conversation unchanged. The method does not give a 100% guarantee, since the interlocutor may not be so easily confused, but it works. At least the politicians.

If nothing comes to mind, start answering the question from afar. Until you get to the point, the topic will die out by itself.

Why haven't you been promoted yet? You have been in this position for a very long time.

As a child, I always looked at adults who were returning from work in the evening, and I thought that one day I would have it too. Then it seemed to me that it was great, because at work you don’t have to sleep and eat semolina. What a fatal mistake!

If you need to distract the interlocutor, give him the opportunity to talk about what he (in his opinion) understands. Ask for advice and listen carefully to the answer.

Just in no case do not ask questions related to the main topic of the conversation. If you ask, for example, how to find a spouse, in response to the question why you are not, then you run the risk of each meeting reporting on how the search is progressing. So switch the interlocutor to the most abstract topic.

Are you going to look for a normal job or will you freelance?

So far, I'm concerned about the repair. By the way, you recently moved the floor in the rooms. Is it really possible to cover the floor with a board now, or does it stand like a cast-iron bridge? What did you choose? And why?

5. laugh it off

If you are not a sparkling stand-up comedian, it is better to prepare in advance. Annoying questions are usually the same, so you can come up with an answer for each and give it out every time someone treads on the slippery soil of faux pas.

Why don't you have kids?

You know, I ask myself all the time, why don't I have children. But in the end I can’t agree with myself, I quarrel and even stop talking to myself. Apparently, we will have to wait a little longer, otherwise we will have to part with ourselves on this basis.

6. State your dissatisfaction directly

There are questions that annoy you, but on the whole are decent, and there are frankly tactless ones. And if we are talking about the latter option, take courage and outline what is permitted so that your words cannot be interpreted ambiguously.

Do you look bad, are you sick?

I doubt this question is relevant. I am ready to discuss the state of health only with the attending physician.

7. Ignore the question

This option will require some acting skills from you. Continue as if you didn't hear the question. When the interlocutor repeats it, continue to bend your line. Sooner or later he will get bored.

If it seems to you that you can not cope, go away from the question in the truest sense of the word. Say that you need to leave for a minute. Come back with a prepared topic for conversation.

When will you finally marry Masha?

Excuse me for a second.

Have you seen the latest Tarantino movie?

8. Mirror someone else's faux pas

You, of course, well-mannered person and do not want to be rude in response to uninvited. But some people in their manifestations of curiosity do not give up even after all the previous methods have been tried. In this case, a little aggression won't hurt.

True, it is better not to look for the vulnerability of the interlocutor in order to hit harder - why would you sink to his level? He himself gives you weapons - his question. Just return it in a wording that will bring the questioner to clean water.

When are you going to get a normal haircut?

Do I understand correctly that you consider my haircut unsuccessful and that I should adapt to your taste, and not to my own?

How do you avoid tactless questions?

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“Why are you not married?”, “How much do you earn?”, “Who will you vote for?” - these and other similar tactless questions cause a shudder in many of us. What to do if the interlocutor asked a question, but you do not want or simply cannot answer it?

website will talk about 9 ways to beautifully avoid the answer. And the bonus at the end of the article will tell you what to do if you come across an annoying interlocutor, on whom these tricks do not work.

1. Ask clarifying questions

To cut the ground from under the interlocutor's feet, ask him clarifying questions, and the more questions, the better. Answering them, he will get confused and lose the thread of the conversation. Most importantly, ask questions with a serious expression on your face so that the interlocutor does not feel the catch. By the way, if you are talking with a person who is not very close, you can refuse to answer questions about salary or work in general, citing trade secrets.

2. Compliment

Compliments related to the question you were asked will look easier and more natural. For example, if you were asked about children, praise the child or grandchild of the interlocutor. And add some general answer - “everything has its time”, “as soon as, so immediately”, “it does not depend on me”, and so on. People like compliments and at the same time they are a little embarrassed. Therefore, the interlocutor is unlikely to develop the topic further. The main thing is that the praise corresponds to the true state of affairs, otherwise your compliment will be perceived as sarcasm.

3. Specify the reason for the question

Ask the interlocutor what prompted him to ask the question, and after the answer, continue to develop this topic. For example, suggest some reason for the question. Thus, the conversation will change direction, and the uncomfortable question will remain unanswered.

4. Reply with a joke

It is possible to laugh off an inappropriate question in cases where when there is confidence that the joke will be understood and appreciated. This method works best in a large group, because the more people around, the more likely it is that someone will laugh and tell another joke in response, thereby saving you from having to answer the question.

5. Start pouring water

This method is often used by politicians and various public figures. As a result, the interlocutor seems to receive an answer to his question, but he will not be able to say exactly what they answered him. The method is ideal for people whose strong point is eloquence.

6. Answer a question with a question

Another favorite trick of politicians and other persons with high social status. This method is used quite often, which is why it often causes irritation. Therefore, it is better to use it only in exceptional cases.

7. Flash your intellect

The method is useful if knowledge allows you to develop a deep discussion on the topic you set. A large number indeed interesting facts can distract even the most annoying interlocutor from the question asked.

8. Reframe the question

The meaning of this method is to make the interlocutor feel the absurdity, inappropriateness of his question. It is important not to overdo it with sarcasm,Otherwise, the interlocutor may be offended. Remember, your goal is to keep that person's goodwill (as long as they don't ask inappropriate questions too often, of course).